Stop Awhile and Smile for Me
by LazyWriterGirl
Summary: She can't remember being happier than when she was with her wife, but that will never happen again. Emily Fields has lost her reason to live, though a blue-eyed devil won't allow her the blissful serenity of dying. Dark AU. Heavy T. First in my 'Smile-verse'.


**Disclaimer: I own nothing from PLL but Marlene King makes it so hard not to play with her toys.**

* * *

_Stop Awhile and Smile for Me_

_Present day…_

Though her wife never once stirs from her sleep, the near-frigid darkness of their bedroom is panic-inducing for Emily Fields. Too many nightmares have begun this way, both the ones she sees in her sleep and the ones she's lived through. Brushing aside dark locks of hair (both from her own face and the one still blissfully dead to the world) she presses a kiss to one soft, warm cheek, calming herself in her wife's peace. It's only in private moments like this where such sweetness can exist without the feeling of necessity to which Emily has grown accustomed. Out in the streets they try to be happy, they try not to care – the happiness is real, the carefree giggles and sighs are not – but every day they feel the stares. _How dare they_ traipse around in Ali's perfect prison-town, acting so content in their disobedience? The public affection is seen more as a finger in the air than a sign of real love but Emily knows the truth. It's all that's keeping them relatively safe, flaunting their relationship everywhere they can. Her wife tries her damnedest to make Emily smile.

Rosewood has grown more hostile since Ali's return and subsequent rise to power. In truth she could have gone on to become a prominent figure in politics, but it is only the town of Rosewood that she cares to bend to her will. Anybody and everybody who'd once crossed the blonde is either living in constant fear or dead, and yet still people move into the houses of the deceased and the hidden. They soon adopt the same hostility that Ali has seeded into the minds of the townspeople, leaving the few who openly oppose her to suffer more despair. Once again she's captured the not-so-sleepy-suburb of a town in her grasp, and now with –A never to return it seems unsure if she'll ever release it. The girl Emily once loved more than herself is long gone and has left a broken, vengeful woman standing in her place. Only Emily knows this, being the person responsible for such a drastic change. Whenever Emily thinks about it – whenever she can bear to really, truly think about it – she feels the guilt seeping into her pores.

Alison had faked her own death to escape –A, something for which the blonde's once-best friends found more than enough reason to forgive her. Ali had seemed apologetic, sweeter, _better _than she'd ever been in her 'first life' and for a while all had been well. –A was a non-issue with the girls, ever since Emily had let all of Rosewood in on her best kept secret. She'd been even more skilled at hiding this than Aria, Spencer and Hanna had been at all their secrets combined, and when everything had been thrown under the spotlight she'd lost them all. They were too disgusted to even speak to her. They still are, though sometimes Emily can swear she sees them standing across the way when the lynch mobs close in on her and her wife, and she swears that sometimes they're mere seconds away from leaping in to save her. Maybe this is her fault. When Ali was informed of what the brunette was planning, that was when the trouble had begun in earnest. Maybe if Emily had chosen her instead, things would have never come to such a point. Maybe they would have been happy. Emily shakes her head to empty air; she can't imagine a life without _her_. Not choosing Ali was the right thing to do.

* * *

_Three years prior…_

"I really do love you the best, Em," Alison laid a hand over Emily's. The brunette no longer shivered at the blonde's touch. Ali brushed off the perceived snub and leant closer to Emily, the scent of her cherry gloss intoxicatingly close. Emily backed away. This was not to go unnoticed. "What? Don't tell me you're still angry with me. I apologized a thousand times already… aren't you supposed to forgive the people you love?"

"Ali, whatever you think I may have felt for you… whatever I think I may have felt for you… that's over. It died when you did."

"You don't mean that, Emily. You still love me. You love me more than anybody else in the world. More than my family, more than Spencer, Aria and Hanna…" Alison's face was still the perfect mask of calmness, only her eyes and tone belying the building of rage. Emily thought hard on what to say, wary of the blonde girl's shift in mood. She wasn't leaving here today without letting Alison know that whatever they'd had had been dealt with two years ago, the night the body was found, but the thought of an angry Alison DiLaurentis was not pleasant.

"I made my peace with you and moved on, Ali."

"What is it about her that's making you stay? Is she still threatening you? I can deal with her, Emily, I can protect you." Alison's eyes flared up at the thought of how to deal with _her_. The bitch that Emily had 'moved on' with. "I told you all that nobody would be able to hurt you and I meant it. I'll protect you. Just come back to me, Emily."

"No. I'm in love with her, and I know she feels the same way about me. She never hurt me the way you did. I'm not leaving her for you, Ali."

"Emily listen to yourself. She tried to kill you! All of you!" Alison's fury was now clear.

"I'm marrying Mona, Alison. There's nothing you can do about it." The thought of her impending nuptials brought a pretty blush to Emily's tan cheeks, further angering her blonde companion.

"Marry me instead." Emily shook her head in disbelief. Something she'd only dreamed about since the first time Ali had kissed her was that one day they'd be married. Now that it was more a possibility than a dream, Emily was sorely tempted. Not sorely enough however, to distract her from the fact that she wanted nothing more than to leave, to go home where her fiancé was undoubtedly pacing the floor with worry. She'd call soon, maybe even drive to Ali's house to get Emily. The thought of Mona and Alison in a shouting match terrified her; it would end up with them engaged in fisticuffs for sure.

"A few years ago I would have died to hear you ask me that question… I would have done anything to be with you, Ali." Alison's signature smirk appeared, irking the brunette. "Now I just think you're desperate. Everybody who used to love you just can't be around you anymore." She turned to leave, surprised when Ali's hands whip her around and hold her in place. There were tears in the blonde's eyes but Emily couldn't decide if they were real or just a ploy to lure Emily into doing something stupid. If Ali thought that her tears would bring Emily around, she was crazier than the people of Rosewood believed her to be.

"You don't mean that." Emily sighed and dropped the blonde's hands from her shoulders. "You'll see soon enough Emily. Sooner or later, you'll realize that you can only be happy if you're mine."

"I don't think so, Ali. I'll never be with you the way you want me to."

"Oh you will, someday… I'll have you Emily. Whether you want me to or not. Whatever it takes."

* * *

_Present day…_

Perhaps it _was_ her fault, Emily thinks as she rises to stretch out her battered limbs. She wanders over to the en suite, not bothering with the light. She can see well enough in the dark. Another narrow escape near the high school had resulted in the large purple bruise she now sports across her cheek, but it's a small pain. They've been on the receiving end of worse, much worse ever since Ali's latest mandate. At least she was able to keep Mona safe this time. Emily turns towards her wife's form – Mona's snuggled into the covers – and closes the door so that she can lean against it. She's never lost sleep once, Mona.

She perches on the edge of the bathtub and stares at herself in the mirror. Her eyes are dark and bruised slightly from lack of proper rest. Emily isn't sure why her life has led to where it is and it scares her to think that perhaps this is not the life she was meant to live. There's been so much death, so much pain, and much of it came about because of the woman she shares her life with. Emily doesn't regret marrying Mona Vanderwaal, but her certainty alone is not enough to ebb the flow of constant maybe's that grapple for her attention day in and day out. Maybe if she'd chosen Alison the world would still be bright. Maybe if she'd chosen her friends everybody would still be alive and happy. Maybe if she'd turned and run when Mona said, "I love you", maybe then none of this would have happened. She'd be Emily DiLaurentis, friends and wife standing at her side with pride, living in their beautiful hometown with their sights aimed on the rest of the world. She doesn't want that. Maybe she's losing her mind.

Some nights after being hissed at in the streets by men and women they've never met, they fight, she and Mona. "I'm_ so_ lucky that bitch's little act unhinged you, Em, or we'd never be living this shit-show of a life." It stings more when Mona says it, sarcasm oozing from her pout. It stings because Emily knows that it's true. She'd never have grown to love Mona if Ali had stayed where she was. Her sanity wouldn't have ever allowed it. They'd never be married. They'd never be in the position they were in. Emily doesn't like to think so negatively of their relationship but it's true. Their life is a shit-show.

"If you hadn't been so desperate for popularity and left Ali alone, none of this would have happened to us. To any of us." Emily rarely uses the –A card; it hurts Mona deeply, she can see. The smaller woman is not proud of what she's done and tries to pretend that it never happened, at least where Emily is concerned. She does that a lot. Mona likes to pretend. Emily sometimes come home from work (she commutes to Brookhaven along with Paige, heavily watched by members of Alison's personal guard) to find that Mona's playing dress up. Some days she'll dress the way Ali did at the height of her popularity and she'll ask, "Do you love me better like this," with a smug smirk on her lips. Emily hates that smirk. It reminds her of Alison. She sleeps on the sofa in the den on these nights, waiting for Mona to stop her game. It can last for days, with Mona refusing to answer to anything other than Ali Dee. It's worrying, but Emily knows she can't tell anybody about it. One word of Mona's instability in Ali's ear and Emily would have to ship her wife off to Radley for good. It would only be a matter of time before Ali stopped by the house and demanded that Emily accept her proposal. She shivers as she thinks about it.

"Emily?" Mona's voice is heavy with sleep and concern. "Emily? Where are you?" They're quick to panic when they can't see each other. Their house has been broken into before, and Emily has been afraid to look out their windows after the first kidnapping attempt. She rushes back into the bedroom proper and takes Mona's tiny frame up into her arms, ignoring the faint pressure of Mona's forehead resting against her cheek. "I thought you'd been taken again." She sounds painfully similar to a scared little girl and Emily pulls her wife more tightly to her, the pressure on her cheek blossoming into inescapable pain. Still she refuses to let Mona go.

"I'm right here Mona, love. Nobody's taking me anywhere." She firmly holds the smaller woman slightly away from herself. "Look at me." Mona's honey-brown eyes are large and frightened, pupils dilated. Emily presses a kiss to Mona's forehead and relaxes her grip when she can feel the rush of released breath on her neck. "I love you."

"I love you, I love you, I love you." Mona chants as she presses her lips to Emily's face. Emily lets the woman shower her in affection, aware that Mona is comforting herself in her wife's presence. The sex that follows Mona's panic attacks is always slow, loving, and Emily hates that she enjoys it as much as she does. Tonight is no different than any other night.

* * *

"Mona? Mona, honey?" Emily rubs her eyes. They're itchy, like as if irritated by the heat in the room, but that's ridiculous since they've always got the air conditioning on. Emily tries to get out of bed, only to find that this isn't her bed, or her room, or her house. She's chained like an animal. "What's going on? Mona? Mona!" Panic settles over her, _where is she, where's her wife?_ She gaze around the room in search of the tiny woman and comes up with nothing. Her eyes settle on the pillow beside her and finds a long blonde hair curled on the fabric. There's a piece of paper folded underneath it and kissed with red lipstick. Jungle Red. Oh _fuck_ no.

**I told you Emily, you'll never be happy without me. Last night was great. I'll be expecting you at breakfast. Oh, and don't go into the bathroom. –XOXO Your Ali**

Emily wants to rip the note in two. This isn't a funny joke that Mona's playing on her… She fights to convince herself that that's all this is, her wife playing a cruel joke on her. _Please, please, please._ Emily freezes when there's the sound of the doorknob jiggling. Hanna steps into the room and Emily can't help but smile at the sight of her best friend. They've not been this close since before her engagement was announced. Hanna smiles back before her face goes blank.

"Ahem. I'm supposed to unlock you. Mind bringing your arm forward?" Emily nods and pulls her arm up as far as she can, straightening it out towards Hanna. The blonde pulls a key from her pockets and fits it to the cuff around Emily's wrist. _Click._ Emily nods again in thanks and stands abruptly. She _really_ needs the washroom. "Emily wait! Don't go in there!" Hanna calls. Too late, Emily is seating herself down and relieving herself. As she's cleaning up she glances towards the bathtub and suddenly she's gasping. Mona. In the bathtub. The water around her dyed a dark red. Emily pulls her shorts up and fastens them, almost cracking her skull upon the stained marble as she tries to get closer to Mona. She gingerly pulls the woman upright, and into a soaking wet embrace. There's nothing in Mona's eyes, no breath in her lungs. Emily cries harder than she's cried in a long time; harder than she had at either of her parents' funerals, harder than she'd cried when they found Maya. Mona was the last person in the world for her. The last one. She'd lost everybody else."Oh my god…," Hanna gasps somewhere behind her and Emily can practically see the blonde. She's covering her face in her hands. Mona had been her friend once, one of the very best she'd ever had. Alison… fucking Alison had done this. "Emily… Emily." Emily is sobbing uncontrollably, rocking back and forth with her wife's body in her arms. "Emily come on. We have to go. Ali will—

"Ali did this, didn't she?" Emily grits her teeth, her clutch on Mona's corpse tightening. Hanna doesn't want to speak; Emily looks about ready to murder the first person to upset her and the blonde secretly wishes that it'll be Alison that does so. Emily looks up at the girl she'd once lived with and the tear-streaks on her face burn. "Where is that fucking bitch?"

"Emily… I'm supposed to take you to her." Hanna steps back from the door, holding it open. She looks away to afford Emily some privacy as she closes Mona's eyes and places a final kiss on the once effervescent pout. When the tall woman stands she's covered in blood and salty tears blended in together and she doesn't bother cleaning herself off. Let Alison see what she's done. What she's turned Emily into. Hanna looks like she's going to speak again, but she leaves the sentence up in her head. A hand reaches out for Emily and softly rubs the girl's shoulder. They walk through the house in silence, Emily staring blankly ahead as Hanna chews at her bottom lip. She's grateful that after this she'll be free to leave. She'll join Spencer and Aria in New York. It's really too bad that Emily chose Mona over them… things could've been so much better. "We're here." She stops and stares at the brunette she'd once loved as a sister. There's no trace of that girl left. Hanna steps forward and pulls Emily into a quick hug before turning away. "I'm so sorry." It's the last time they'll see each other. It's the last time Emily will come into contact with a blonde, blue-eyed woman without cringing.

* * *

_The next year…_

Alison only lets her leave the property alone on the last day of every month. It used to be the last day of every week, but soon enough the blonde decided that Emily couldn't be trusted out on the street by herself. That suits Emily just fine. She's become used to seeing the sun only rarely (Alison refuses to open the windows or even push the blinds back) and so days like today are special. Bright sun, warm grass, and solitude. She misses this.

"I brought you flowers." Emily says to the gravestone. Nobody's at the cemetery today. "Violets. I know how much you love them… I take care of a small bed of them in the greenhouse, just for when I can come to visit you." Of course Mona's headstone can't reply, so Emily lays the violets across the gold-scripted plaque. "I've missed you so much, Mona." Emily laughs. Mona would've hated to hear that. She was clingy at times and enjoyed sentiment, but never like that. Emily cries now, arms thrown loosely around the hard stone as she wishes for the millionth time that Mona were still alive.

_Smile for me, my pretty little Emily._ She stops. Mona's voice in her head is the sweetest of sounds. _Smile for me._ She smiles. She smiles as Ali's guards close in on her, muttering about medication and sedatives and chains. Punishment. Not right. _Smile for me, my love._ She smiles.

Alison is outraged when Emily is thrown into her study. Apparently today was _not_ her day to go out. Alison is rough with her that night, rougher on her body than she'd been in months, leaving Emily to retreat into her mind. "Whatever it takes, Emily. I told you that before." Emily knows the correct response but refuses to acknowledge the blonde as she takes her pleasure of the brunette's body. A resounding slap echoes throughout the room and though the tears fall Emily feels nothing.

_Smile for me, my Emily._ She smiles.

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**A/N: I don't quite know where this came from… but yeah, hope somebody enjoyed it! Not the darkest thing I've ever written, but definitely the darkest thing I've posted here as of yet. If you wanna chat about this or whatever, follow LazyWriterGirl on Twitter!**

**~ Kay ~**


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